Final Week With Mom

I remember my last phone conversation with mom on Monday, July 14th.  It was to tell her about Tessa’s neck surgery.  She said, “That is so perfect.”  Mom’s speech was slurred and she only had the energy to say a few words.  When I hung up I thought I would never see her again.  Dad was beyond exhausted and not sleeping.  Karen and Mike also needed a break since they were helping to care for mom around the clock.  John changed my plane ticket so I could leave from Detroit (instead of Cincinnati) a few days earlier to help.  We also moved Emma and James LAX to SLC flights up two days so the Hills could start their drive to SLC sooner.  John drove the girls back to Cincinnati and they flew to SLC on Sunday.

I flew from Detroit to Dallas on July 17th.  Unfortunately there was a storm and they canceled my connecting flight to SLC, putting me on a standby list for a later flight.  Thankfully I got on that flight.  Unfortunately my bag was left in the rain for several hours in TX and everything was soaking wet.  I was so happy to be able to see my mom again.  I thought our goodbye over Father’s Day would be my last time with her.

An email I wrote July 19, 2014:

All mom has wanted today since 2am is for Janet (a nurse) to come and give her a bath.  Mom is too weak for us to get her up and bathe her.  But she is such a good patient, we just say, "Not right now mom.  Janet will be here soon."  She will say "OK" but she looks very sad when we tell her that.  Mom doesn’t weigh much but her legs are so heavy that it is hard for me to even help her back into bed.

Janet came at 11:30am.  Mom loved her bath.  It took two of us to carry her into the bathroom and about an hour before mom was back in bed.  Janet got her dressed in the bed, put lotion all over her, and cream on her tail bone.  Her tail bone is very sore!  She loved when Janet brushed her teeth.  Mom can't spit, so Janet just wiped her teeth with a wet washcloth and gave her an ice chip when she was done.  Janet says mom is her very favorite patient.  Mom is so sweet.  Janet kept calling mom beautiful and mom would make a sigh and a laugh like, “Yeah, right."

 

While Janet and I were bathing mom, dad was changing the bed sheets.  After we got mom dressed, dad did a load of laundry and mom said, "I'm impressed."

 

Mom sleeps on her side.  About every 1-2 hours she wakes up and wants to sit up.  She likes to hang her feet over the side of the bed and feel the carpet on her feet.  She can not do this alone.  She only has the energy to lift her arms.  Then we put her back down on her other side.

 

Jen the hospice nurse came at 1:00.  She said that Mom has "turned a corner."  She thinks she will die this weekend (but she could be wrong, she has been wrong with mom several times).  She said this was her first visit with mom where mom didn't say one word.  Mom did a give a thumbs up once when Jen asked her if she was comfortable.  Her oxygen level is still 92 (very good) even though she has been off the oxygen tank for the last 24 hours.  Her blood pressure is very low and her breathing slower and deeper.  She is a lot more peaceful today and sleeps more than she has in awhile.  I feel like I have the easy shift being with her last night and sitting with her today.  Poor Karen, Mike and Dad had it bad this week -- but mom is much calmer now that they took most of the medicines away yesterday.  Now mom is on 3 medicines and takes 2 sleeping pills at night.

 

Mom doesn't talk much.  She shakes her head yes and no and says things like, "I want to sit up."  "I want to take a shower."  She is too weak to have a normal conversation, but she hears and understands everything we say to her.  Mom's eyes have been closed about 90% of the time since I've been here.  When I tell her something like the date, or the time, or something about all of us like "Emily just called" or "Emma and James will be here soon" she opens her mouth big and nods back like saying, "Ohhh" but no sound.

 

Mom has not eaten anything since I've been here.  Last night Mike and Karen gave her some crushed up medicine with one bite of yogurt.  She will take one sip of Gatorade, water or coke about every 2 hours.

 

Dad is at the doctor right now.  His throat still hurts so he went for a throat culture.  Mike, Karen and Kate went to Bear Lake for Youth Conference, they will be home tonight.  I am glad Karen could get out.  We really can't comprehend the sacrifice this is for Karen and her family!

I am amazed at how peaceful things feel right now with mom.  I think it will be this weekend.  I still think back to Father's Day weekend and feel very blessed.  Mom is amazing!!!

 

Love,

Laurel

 

Earlier in the year, before we knew that mom wasn’t going to recover from this cancer, we had planned several fun things to do and a mini family reunion for this week.  We were still able to do most of the things we had planned but with heavy hearts.  John, Karen, Mike and I took turns caring for mom during the night.  Dad and grand kids enjoyed being with her during the days.   The Edwards had driven to Idaho for Emily Edward’s graduation from BYUI so they stopped at the Wilkinson's on Sunday night.  It was a fun full house to all be together.  We were missing Grant and Heather and their families!

 

Things I want to remember about my final week with mom:

• I never heard Mom complain.  She was uncomfortable and in a lot of pain.  She was ready to go several weeks before she died.
• Karen’s ward was so kind.  Meals and flowers were delivered daily.  Michelle Janke also brought over meals and stayed hours with my dad and mom.
• Karen said that the past few months mom would always want to put her “party hat” on when company came.
• Mom loves the hymn “How Firm a Foundation.”  Emma sang her all 7 verses several times that week.
• The night shifts with mom were hard.  She was so alert.  At 2:00am I said, “Mom it is 2:00am, we should be sleeping.”  And she replied, “It is 2:18am.”  John is much better at night shifts than I am.
• Mike and Barr carried mom down the stairs several times to be with us for dinner or to get some fresh air outside.
• Karen took me to Costco several times in preparation for Tessa’s baptism luncheon.  I also did a lot of shopping at Target, the mall, and Deseret Book to stock up on things to bring back to China.  That is something I do not like about living overseas.
• The Wilkinsons were in the process of finishing their basement.  They were amazingly patient to host our family for a week and care for mom and dad for six months. 
• I loved looking at Luke standing over mom after she had passed away.  He was crying and looking at her so sweetly.  He gave up his bedroom for six months and in that moment I could physically feel the love he had for her.  The feeling in the room was very peaceful.  I was grateful that my entire family was able to be there and experience my mom’s passing.
• James tried closing mom's eyes and mouth.  Tessa climbed on the bed and kissed mom’s forehead.  Eliza and Emma sat on the floor with their cousins.  We were all sad — remembering the wonderful things about mom but at the same time we were happy that she no longer was suffering from cancer.  We knew she was with her parents and surrounded by so many people that love her!
• I helped clean out mom’s closet with Dad, Marcia and Karen.  Marcia took several of mom’s outfits.  Tessa took four of mom’s cute hats.
• I know it was a huge tender mercy and a blessing that I could be with mom during her last week on earth.
• Pioneer Day is the most perfect day for mom to die.  When she was 15 years old, her family arrived in SLC on Pioneer Day — they were driving from PA to the World’s Fair on a family vacation.  They never made it to the World’s Fair.  Instead they toured temple square and their church investigation began!

Happenings of the week:

 

Monday, July 21st: We went to the Hale Theater to see "Mary Poppins.”  We loved it!  Before the show we had dinner at Chili’s with our Shanghai friends the Haddocks.  We had an extra ticket so enjoyed having SaraKay join us.  Karen, Rachel, Amie, Luke and Kate came too.

Tuesday, July 22nd:  John and I went to the temple in the morning.  We had a delicious dinner at Tim and Brooke’s house.  It was so fun to visit the newlyweds and get to know their kids better.

Wednesday, July 23rd:  We spent hours at Mike Main’s new backyard water park.  He cooked us a delicious BBQ and some of the kids enjoyed movies in his theater.  Our family had tickets to see Wicked at the Capital Theater that evening.  Eliza was most excited to see it and had been listening to the songs all year.  Mom was the first person to introduce me to Wicked years ago.  I remember after she saw it for the visit time she wanted to tell me the entire plot and play every song for me.  On our way out of the theater Tessa was worried about a homeless man.  She was sad that we didn’t give him any money.  The next day she said she was worried about that “stray person” and she couldn’t get him out of her mind.  She knows that cats and dogs without a home are called stray, so she assumed that people without a home are called that as well.

Thursday, July 24th: John and I went out to lunch.  While eating we got a phone call from Emma that Grandma had passed away.  We were just five minutes away so hurried home.  We spent about an hour in the room together.  Several cars left for Mike Mains’ house for homemade pizzas.  A few of us stayed behind while the mortician came to get mom’s body.  It was sweet to see one of Karen’s neighbors standing outside, saluting, as the hearse drove by.  Then we joined everyone at Mike Mains’ house for the evening.  We were glad that Dad came with us.  We all booked our plane tickets for the funeral and started writing our talks.  We sat outside and enjoyed the Pioneer Day fireworks.  The hospice nurse texted Karen that “the fireworks are for your mom!"

Friday, July 25th: In the morning Dad, Mike and Karen, Marcia, Becky and I went together to the funeral home to make plans and dress mom.  Dressing mom with three of my sisters will be something I will never forget.  What a sweet experience.  We all spent the afternoon with all the cousins at 7 Peaks Water Park.  Tim and Brooke met us there too.

Saturday, July 26th: Tessa was baptized and James ordained a Teacher!

 

Sunday, July 27th: We flew to CA for a few days before flying to Cincinnati for the funeral on August 2nd.  In CA we spent a day on the beach with Brittany and Brigham and spent some time swimming in Becky’s neighborhood pools.  We flew back to CA on August 3rd and then flew to Shanghai the morning of August 5th.

 

Karen and Becky in Karen’s kitchen.

 

My kids have the best cousins

 

Mary Poppins at the Hale Theater, our Shanghai friend, Ben Butters, was in the cast.

 

Mike Main’s backyard Water Park

 

This is the most fun house ever!!  Can we come every summer?

Wicked at the Capitol Theater

"It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
Like a hand print on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend…"
I love you mom!